We are not in control

Back in the day, we knew we weren’t in control.

Go back 100 years, and I don’t think most people thought they were in control of their lives, or expected to be. Go back even further, and it was probably even clearer that we weren’t in control.

Far more people in our society lived a hand-to-mouth existence, either relying on the land -with unpredictable weather and harvests, or working hard for low wages in conditions we would consider intolerable nowadays. Disease was rife, medical care was inaccessible for many, working conditions were often dangerous and mortality was a very present reality in life. Very often, life hung on a thread day by day. People knew that. And they knew there was very little they could do about it.

I’m not saying that these conditions were a good thing — of course not. Things have improved so much, and we are very fortunate to exist in today’s world rather than that precarious one of so much of history.

But along the way, we’ve lost something important. Our awareness that we are not in control.

Because nowadays, we know so much more, have such amazing medical care to help us to recover from illness, more stringent laws, better working conditions. We have technology that enables us to solve all sorts of practical problems and communicate in extraordinary ways.

But we are still not in control.

Most of the things that really matter to us in life — like relationships, health, life and death, are not within our control. Of course there are things we can do or not do, choices we make.

But then we have to let the cards fall where they may.

When we think WE are in control of it all, we work harder and harder to maintain that control, and in the face of events that aren’t what we chose, we feel we have to strive even harder, whilst feeling more and more disheartened, disappointed, miserable or exhausted.

As Michael Singer so beautifully put it:

“The truth is that most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind says about it.

People tend to burden themselves with so many choices. But, in the end, you can throw it all away and just make one basic, underlying decision: Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy? It’s really that simple. Once you make that choice, your path through life becomes totally clear.”

When we consider the outcomes of all (or even most) of our actions, to be in our control, we struggle and suffer disappointment, frustration and pain when things don’t turn out the way we hope and expect. We may be in control of our actions — and we are always doing the best we can in any given moment, given the way we see things in that moment — but we cannot be in control of the outcomes.

Knowing this really lets us off the hook and releases us from so much struggle and stress.

And what about the second part of that quote — that question: Do you want to be happy or do you not want to be happy? Of course we’d all say we wanted to be happy! But very often we are looking for it in the wrong place or in the wrong way. We mistakenly believe that we can be happier when we have greater control.

The truth is, we are happier when we release ourselves from the NEED to be in control. When we recognise that we don’t need what we think we need in order to be happy. Our experience is not tied to our circumstances, or other people’s behaviour.

We choose happiness when we don’t make it contingent on anything else. When we realise that our feelings are our own and not the reflection of what’s happening to us.

If ‘most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside our control’ — then most of the time we are trying to ‘control’ life we are fighting a losing battle.

What if we just allowed it to unfold, with less judgement about what that will mean for us. Because after all — we don’t know that yet either.

And not knowing is actually a great place to hang out.

What would happen if you started to take a look at where you feel you need to be in control.

What if you actually don’t?

What if life is unfolding despite what you think about it?

What struggle might you be able to let go of?